When I fell pregnant with my first bub, I had a vision….I was going to be a breastfeeding machine!
When she arrived, it didn’t matter that she cried all the time, she was new….motherhood was new and I was loving it!
A month past, but the crying didn’t stop and we started to wonder…somethings not right!
This little being cried all day and all night and I don’t mean a normal baby cry, I mean a painful heart wrenching scream…it was horrible to watch!
She didn’t sleep during the day and only 5 hours at night! My partner and I took shifts, walking around the house trying to sooth her and the other would sleep. How can a brand new baby grow and be healthy if she never sleeps? Still, we kept on trying!
I quit caffeine, sugar, dairy and gluten!
Saw GPs, pediatric chiropractors, the hospital, nurses, midwives and more!
Then at 8 weeks old, Cyclone Yasi came for our town, and I escaped to Melbourne with family where one day I went to visit a friend!
She opened the door, took one look at my broken tired face and said “Stace, what are you doing? Have you tried the bottle? You can’t keep doing this?”
I burst into tears!
She could see right through me! I didn’t want the bottle, that wasn’t my plan, I wanted to give my baby the best I could, and if I gave her the bottle, I had been defeated….I had failed!
So the next day I started an experiment, I gave her a bottle and express my feeds for 48 hours and she stopped and the first time in her little life she sleep!
Then in one last hopeful attempt, and a fridge full of “liquid gold”, I put her back on the boob, topped her up with the expressed milk, could it be supply? But she started to scream again and again..and mum said “Stace it’s clear”!
The thing is that even though it broke my heart to see my baby cry so much, truth be told, it broke my heart just as much that I couldn’t breastfeed her!
I didn’t realise for a very long time that it felt like something had died inside me that day, it is something I grieved and a loss I mourned, for a very very long time!
And this is the biggest thing that people don’t understand when this happens to a mum!
I was a human, and like any other living thing on this earth that gives birth, it is our instinct to feed our newborns so they survive!
So not only do we feel like we have failed ourselves, our babies and motherhood but every cell of our body, every part of our very being wants….needs….to do this more than it does to breath and when we can’t….it is more than our pride that hurts and the milk that is lost!
And no one ever says that!!
This is why I created Spirited Mother because when we enter this motherhood world, there is all this information on pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding but what about after that….but about the rest of the stuff…the real stuff!
So my gorgeous mum, I’m telling you this story because sometimes all you need to hear is “yes that happened to me and I get it”!
“I GET IT”
You tried everything you could
You know that as well as I do
And that is enough
It’s time to let it go!!!
It’s time to let it go!!!
For the young mums out there who are in it right now…when you are walking around in the middle of the night with your crying baby in your arms….tired….alone…please know that there is another mum out there doing the exact same thing, and send a message to them, send them love, “I’m with you mumma bear, we are both here together”!
Love Me xx